Article on Abuse

I wrote this article for posting in article directories, but I thought it had some good information, so I thought I'd post it here, too. I don't know anyone whom I suspect is in this kind of situation (okay, actually, I might...), but if you do, feel free to pass it on.

“He Doesn’t Hit Me”: The Less Obvious Forms of Abuse

It seems incredible that in this day and age, any woman would not recognize the abuse that she herself was suffering, and wouldn’t take steps to improve things. After all, we’ve heard public service announcements, watched after school specials, and reacted in horror to the stories of friends. Maybe we even told ourselves, “I would never put up with that!”

Sometimes, though, I think that it’s our very educatedness that works against us. I’ve heard women say things like, “He never hit me, so I never thought of this as abuse. I thought that it was just what marriage was like.”

There are lots of forms of abuse that don’t involve hitting or other forms of physical violence, and they can be hard to recognize, especially if you’re in the middle of one of them. But look honestly at some of the following and ask yourself if any of these things apply to your relationship. And remember, any form of abuse can be found in almost any relationship—marriage, straight relationships, gay relationships, or teen relationships. While the vast majority of abuse victims are women, men can also be on the receiving end of abuse, especially these non-physical kinds.

Some of the following categories are borrowed from HelpGuide.org, but the text is mine.

• Dominance. The abuser has to make all the decisions for you and for the whole family. His wishes are the only ones that matter. He never wants your input into decisions that affect everyone.

• Humiliation. He puts you down, especially in front of others. He metes out compliments when he wants you to do something, but seldom out of spontaneous affection.

• Isolation. He controls when you will and won’t see your support system—friends, parents, siblings—gradually decreasing your dependence on them and increasing your emotional dependence on him. Eventually you find yourself caught with nobody to turn to.

• Threats. Threats are especially effective when you have children, but they can be used against you personally as well. Sometimes these threats are only implied with a look or a tone of voice, but you understand what he means.

• Intimidation. This is using the threat of physical force against you by using physical force in front of you. He may pull out weapons, break things, hurt pets, or put a fist in your face. He never touches you, but the implied threat is that if you don’t comply, you will be next.

• Denial and Blame. Abusers never take responsibility for their own actions. Either what he did wasn’t that bad, or you should have known better than to cause him to do it. After all, you provoked him.

• Financial control. Do you have to ask him for money—even money you earned-- and account for every cent? If he makes all the financial decisions and keeps you in a state of child-like financial dependence, that’s abuse.

• Religious abuse. Abusers often try to use a religion’s teachings about the proper roles of men and women to keep women obedient. At best, this is a serious misreading of the teachings of most faiths; at worst it takes away a woman’s last refuge of comfort and strength.

• Crazy-making. This is a subtle tactic of undermining the woman’s confidence in herself and her own competence to reinforce the woman’s dependence. He might, for example, hide her keys, and when she goes to look for them, he reminds her how scatter-brained she is and how much she needs him—an assertion reinforced when he himself “finds” the keys. The woman automatically assumes that she is at fault. She feels like she is going crazy because she can’t do anything about it.

If you see yourself in any of these categories, please get help. This is NOT what intimate relationships are supposed to be like. Sure, there will be compromise and sacrifices, but those things need to come from both sides, not just one. Both partners give some things up for the health of the whole, but the point of that is that you get from the relationship more than you’re giving up as an individual. If that‘s not the case, you may be in an abusive relationship. At the very least, you and your partner need to have several long talks.

You can start by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-787-3224, or going to the front of your phone book. There IS help. You may find it hard to believe right now, but you’re not alone.

Buddhapalian

If you're not Episcopalian, you might not be aware that our Diocese of Northern Michigan has nominated one single candidate for the position of its new bishop--though how you can have an election with only one candidate is beyond me. Haven't they tried to do that in places like the USSR, communist China, Iraq under Saddam, and Cuba? It worked out so great for them...

The candidate is The Rev. Kevin Thew Forrester, and the big scandal about his nomination is that in addition to being an Episcopal priest, Forrester is also an ordained Buddhist monk. That may seem strange, but this is the Episcopal church, and "dual-faith" clergy are (sadly) not all that uncommon. I know of at least a few others--a Christian/Muslim and a couple of Christian/Druids.

Now, I don't have anything against Buddhism or Buddhists. In fact, there's a lot that's really cool about Buddhism. I mean, the 8-Fold Path? That rocks. If everyone followed the 8-Fold Path, the world would be a lot better place.

But Buddhism and Christianity are not ultimately compatible.

Christianity advocates the primacy of sacrificial love, including its redemptive and healing powers. Buddhism teaches that love and attachment are the cause of all suffering and we need to be extricating ourselves from all those feelings and relationships (though I don't deny that love can cause a lot of suffering).

Christianity teaches that the afterlife is a place where our attachments are perfected; we will be with each other and with God in such a state that our sinfulness no longer mars our relationships. Heaven is perfected love of God and each other. Buddhism teaches that the afterlife usually results in rebirth, where we have to try yet again to get this right, but if we attain enlightenment, we go to Nirvana, where all our attachments are severed and we are absorbed into Nothingness.

Christianity teaches that each individual is made in the image of God and can reflect that image to the world. Buddhism teaches that your idea that you exist is an illusion, so stop being so attached to your selfhood.

And, most importantly, Christianity teaches that the love of a personal God was made into a human being in the person of Jesus Christ, and that we can still know, love, and serve Jesus in prayer and in our neighbors. He will even help us to do all that through his gifts of grace. Buddhism does not believe that a god/God exists--it is an atheistic religion (yes, you can have an atheistic religion), so there is nobody out there who listens, cares or acts. You are repsonsible for your own enlightenment, and you have to keep trying, perhaps through hundreds of lives, until you get it right.

Buddhism has a lot to recommend it, including a powerful prayer tradition, a strong ethical system, and a certain peacefulness at its center. I hope everyone takes the time to learn more about it. But it's not compatible with Christianity, and I fail to see how a Christian priest can possibly try to commit to both. At the very least, he shouldn't be made a bishop, who is supposed to be the leader and chief shepherd of the Christian community.

March Observances

I am sorry this is so late..think what we've missed! We missed BEER DAY!! AND, National Procrastination Week (which is kind of ironic, don't you think?). But, there are still three weeks of March to go, so we can still get in some good celebrations:

Monthly Observances


American Red Cross Month

Deaf History Month

Expanding Girls' Horizons in Science & Engineering Month

International Expect Success Month

International Ideas Month

International Listening Awareness Month

Irish-American Heritage Month

Music In Our Schools Month

National Caffeine Awareness Month

National Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Awareness Month

National Colorectal Cancer Awareness Month

National Craft Month

National Eye Donor Month

National Frozen Food Month

National Multiple Sclerosis Education & Awareness Month

National Kidney Month

National Nutrition Month

National Social Work Month

National Women's History Month

Poison Prevention Awareness Month

Red Cross Month

Save Your Vision Month

Small Press Month

Spiritual Wellness Month

Workplace Eye Health and Safety Month

Youth Art Month



Weekly Observances



National Consumer Protection Week: 1-7

National Ghostwriters Week: 1-7

National Words Matter Week: 1-7

National Write a Letter of Appreciation Week: 1-7

Return the Borrowed Books Week: 1-7

World Folk Tales & Fables Week: 1-7

Celebrate Your Name Week: 1-7

National Professional Pet Sitters Week: 1-7

National Sleep Awareness Week: 1-8

Save Your Vision Week: 1-7

National School Breakfast Week: 2-8

National Procrastination Week: 2-8

Newspaper in Education Week: 2-6

Orthodox Lent: 3/2-4/18

Read an E-Book Week: 8-14

Universal Women's Week: 8-14

National Money Week: 13-15

National Agriculture Week: 15-21

National Animal Poison Prevention Week: 15-21

Pediatric Nurse Practitioners Week: 15-21

International Brain Awareness Week: 16-22

National Inhalant and Poisons Awareness Week: 16-22

National Spring Fever Week: 16-22

American Chocolate Week: 17-22

Doctor-Patient Trust Week: 22-28

National Cleaning Week: 22-28



Daily Observances



Beer Day: 1

Peace Corp Birthday: 1

Pig Day: 1

Fun Facts About Names Day: 2

Namesake Day: 2

Orthodox Green Monday: 2

National Anthem Day: 3

Peace Corps Day: 3

Unique Names Day: 3

International Scrapbooking Industry Day: 4

National Grammar Day: 4

Learn What Your Name Means Day: 4

Saint Piran's Day: 5

Nametag Day: 5

Daytona: 6

Sherlock Holmes Day: 6-8

World Day of Prayer: 6

Genealogy Day: 7

U.S. Snowshoe Day: 7

Check Your Batteries Day: 8

Daylight Saving Time Begins: 8

Day for Women's Rights & International Peace: 8

Girls Write Now Day: 8

Ground Water Awareness Day: 8

International Working Women's Day: 8

Barbie Day: 9

Panic Day: 9

Salvation Army Day: 10

Organize Your Home Office Day: 10

Registered Dietician Day: 11

Girl Scout Day: 12

World Kidney Day: 12

Earmuffs Day: 13

Good Samaritan Involvement Day: 13

International Day of the Seal: 14

Buzzards Day: 15

Freedom of Information Day: 16

Ides of March: 15

Peeps Day: 15

World Consumer Rights Day: 15

Campfire Girls Day: 17

St. Patrick's Day: 17

National Chocolate Caramel Day: 19

Great American Meat Out Day: 20

National Agriculture Day: 20

International Day for the Elimination of Racial Discrimination: 21

Maple Syrup Day: 21

National Common Courtesy Day: 21

National Quilting Day: 21

World Down Syndrome Day: 21

International Day of The Seal: 22

World Day for Water (aka World Water Day) : 22

National Puppy Day: 23

World Meteorological Day: 23

American Diabetes Association Alert Day: 24

Legal Assistants Day: 26

Knights of Columbus Founders Day: 29

Doctors Day: 30


I'd like to give a shout-out to all my writer friends who are ghostwriters...it was your week last week, but I didn't get you anything. :(

And today is Panic Day! That's a relief, because now I can stop telling myself, "It's okay, don't panic..."

The 23rd is National Puppy Day, but I can tell you right now what my sweetie would say to that: "Isn't every day puppy day?"